Author: Bablu BG

Shit happens when you cheat death.
Shit happens when you keep going on with it and keep doing the same mistakes. Keep trying to make people stay in your life. Shit happens when you accidentally try not to push someone away sooner than you should.

So previously you got to know that there’s no we in us. But things were quite different for me as she’s the answer of my fate to be like this. She’s a cure, yes a cure to everything I’ve gone through. She’s a cure for my heart.
Basically there’s a we in us(only for me I guess).
    I had lost her at the time when she was coming closer but my heart didn’t let me down. She lifted her hand for a handshake. I didn’t tried to hug nor she did so I thought handshake is even not that bad in the first meeting.
    Initially I became numb when I saw her hands which are touching mine now. It was like cold as both of us filled with coldness.
    Ah one more thing I noticed that she had mehndi on her palm. Seriously you must be thinking that how I managed to mention it. But Mehndi is always a best part for me that too on her palm.
    I’ve always fantasised about it. Even I’ve asked her for a Mehndi pic but she always denied. Don’t know why but I guess she didn’t wanted me to fall for her.
    All these went in trash as I’ve already fallen.
    Let’s be back to the story. We shok our hands I was lost in her eyes(twinkling). Once she shouted my name just to let me out from that immersed world of thoughts to my senses(she felt that I’m lost in her).
    Every moment was like a never ending decade(however the greeting ended in a few seconds but those seconds were so long).
    Being a man I didn’t had the right to let my tears out which were scribbling me. I had to hold them. So just to change the scenario I said let’s get back to our cab then we’ll head to the place where she’d be staying.
    Both of them headed to the cab as our friend knows where the cab is parked. I followed them being few steps away so they won’t be able to notice those tears rolled down from my eyes then to my cheeks. I soaked them with my hanky as I didn’t wanted them to notice it.
    Both of them sat on the back seat where I took the rear one. Finally we’re in the cab.

Most of the time i still feel that I’m not whole anymore. When i haven’t figured out the part being me the culprit in the family. The hell why don’t they tell me what exactly i did that they put me in such place. Hmmm I’ve kind of issues with my family (i had one).
                      I haven’t talked to them since last jan coz my mom had undergone through some surgery and didn’t wanted to even see me when i insisted like hell. Argued that with my sister whose husband tried to kill me back in 2013 but still i argued and lost.
                      Loosing is the part i couldn’t ever dealt yet and facing the consequences for almost a decade. But even then i was whole coz i had my belief alive within me. One day someone gonna enter my life and gonna change it for forever.
                      I wasn’t aware of loosing the rest of what i had to her. With a fire to burn anyone anytime. You can imagine how a pure toxic person can make a difference within you and obviously she did. A person changed to being numb and lost from a person who didn’t cared about the world. Whether they criticized him or accused him for anything and everything.
                      I had never lost the belief i had until then and now I’m not whole anymore.

I never felt these words then but now I do feel words she used to say. I feel my legs numb when I remember her words mentioning I’m just a shit.
        It’s not about anyone else other than my mom. She and my dad used to say “they found me in a dustbin and took me home” and both my sisters used to laugh. I think now they never lied about loving me cause they never did. They never stood for the kid they took home from a dustbin as they used to say. Ironically I thought all this was a joke.
        But now I’m the joke, a joke everyone laughs on. A joke who always tried not to hurt them.
        Love isn’t everything I’ve lost, I’ve lost the essence of life.

Having Alzheimer would be so great for nights specifically.
Few memories still haunts me out of my cold bed and sleepless nights. Day used to feel like zombies while nights feel like being an owl. There’s nothing to worry about now but still don’t know why it feels like usual times as it was in couple of years.
     Tried giving away all my time working, working and working. Tried pushing all of the people around, tried sleeping without covering my eyes and sleep without diving down into the darkness.
         Somewhere I killed the writer inside who used to cover-up all the bad times on just a paper and let it go.
         I killed the writer in me..

Hey listen
Don’t ever open my diary
You will regret later when you will think of all those things written.
Just don’t open it ever
You’ll see all those fading stars.
Don’t even read the first page
Where I wrote about your mesmerizing beauty.
Don’t turn to the next page
Where I wrote how an angel fallen to the grounds.
Just don’t…

Not just a message I wanted you to feel it. The way we met, the way our path intercepted and the way we came together. Life is full of colors but the joy I found in you isn’t comparable to anything I lived before.
I wanted to tell you something about us. It’s something that’s gonna affect our lives. When we were chuckling together I hided that I won’t be there with you for so long. Something that’s not in my hand.
I swear I want to be with you only but life seems to have some other plans.
Listen my world don’t let your heart sink you know I’ll be yours even after if I die. Some says that there’s a life after death if it’s true baby then see you on the other side.
But promise me you’ll move on. It’s really difficult for me that I’m asking you to love on. The one I desired to be with my whole life. But believe me baby a shooting star can’t be someone’s home. Don’t hurt yourself just move on if I die.
If you ever woke up don’t find me beside you just calm yourself thinking a shooting star(me) crossed through your sky(life). Have a smile on your face and I’d smile on the other side.
Darling just feel it but never cry and listen darling I love you, I loved you and I’ll love you even after I die.

Har Roz Thoda Sawarta Hoon Phir Bikhar Jaata Hoon Main…
Chalta Raha Safar Ki Manzil Mein Phir Wahi Theher Jaata Hoon Main…
Koshish Karta Hoon Main Jeetne Ki…
Aakhiri Baazi Samjh Kar Phir Haar Jaata Hoon Main…

It’s killing me. Depression Anxiety attacks it’s just killing me. I pushed everyone away in social media. Not an interactive person who likes to chit chat with anyone even in reality. Reason I’m afraid. Afraid of loosing as I lost everyone before family friends everyone. Every moment gives a vibe of committing suicide. Last time I was in my hometown had to go their just to look out how’s mom as she was in a serious condition. They didn’t let me see her. I guess she didn’t wanted me to. Days somehow used to be as usual as I use to be at my work. But nights I swear feels hardest to go through. I’ve tried it and it’s been a year someone took a promise (who isn’t in contact anymore) that I won’t do such things ever. I want a natural death without breaking the last promise I made. Just to distract my mind I cut off on my wrist when I can’t handle it. Close to end that won’t let me die with a suicide. I tried to contact her so that I’d ask her to break that promise but I couldn’t. I’m stucked. Somewhere where death seems like heaven and life seems like hell.

To the the girl I loved from the girl I love. The above line you just read leads the story to be titled “I, She, We Or Us”.
You must being curious right. About what’s us doing here after we. So let me head the story.
As you know we’re in a generation where everyone’s filled with anxiety, even we weren’t different. But the difference was we were hunting for some answers
Where I was looking for an answer about my fate to be like this at the same time she was looking for an answer about why all those things happened with her or why they put her in such situations.
So it’s been a year we used to know each other and we met after a year or so. Don’t know if it was just coincidence or something else it’s just I don’t know. We started talking every single day. As days passed I got the answer about my fate. On the other side she has to find her own answers.
We had planned something. Something which could have lead me to a place nowhere. I have to welcome her on the airport along with her friend. In the beginning I was excited for this moment.
Once I had told her something mentioning us as we(me and her) at that time she had denied saying there’s no we in us. I kept recalling it in my mind everytime. Then one thought kicked my mind to something that “I can’t loose her after getting so close”. I mean how can can I just…..
How can I just loose her. However it was a promise that I’d welcome her.
So that day here we’re(me and her friend who’s my companion and also we became friends) at the airport to welcome the girl I love.
Let’s forget love. I’m insecure to meet her. It’s been almost forty five minutes we’re waiting for her and finally there she’s stepping out from the immigration counter’s door. Stepping forward to me. Every step she’s taking recalling me of that thought “how can I loose her”.
This shouldn’t be the way it is now. I should have just hide behind something so that she won’t be able to notice my presence. From where I can see her coming closer. I just need to hide myself.
Forget few above lines you just read you know my mind sucks a lot.
So she’s stepping closer fifteen feets…. Ten….Nine….Eight….Seven….Six….Five….Four….Three….Two….Booom(one isn’t there not just because she took a long step it’s just because I didn’t got the time to count the last one). I lost her. I lost the girl I loved. I just lost the girl I love. I mean I lost after getting close. Yes I did.
Then recalled something once she had said “There’s no We in us”.
There’s no we in us.